Time flies!

Sometimes life goes by way too fast! Friday it's back to work for this girl. I'm a little sad, a little excited too. I've loved being home with the kids these last 2 months... but being a full time stay at home mom is not for me. I don't particularly like to work, but I do feel like working makes me a better mother... It gives me a chance to miss my children and appreciate all the things they do all the more. Don't get me wrong, I love being home with my kids, I really do. But being home full time there are more of those moments where I feel like I am going to rip my hair out because I haven't gotten a solitary second to myself in days. I'd really like to work part time, enough to help with the bills, enough to get adult interaction and some time for myself, but not so much that I feel like I'm not raising my kids myself. The beauty of the early shift at my work is that I get to spend much much more time with them then if I was working a 9-5 shift. So while I can't go part time just yet, I can at least spend as much time with my kids as possible.

In other news, my sweet little boy turned two a few weeks ago... I can't believe he's already been here for two years! He's so big and doing so many new things, he can count to 5, sometimes higher if I can get him to sit still and concentrate. He knows most of his colors, and he knows his name, and can tell you how old he is. He talks SO much, I can't believe I can have a conversation with my two year old! He also LOVES to sing, and constantly sings songs from the shows he likes most. He also can sort of sing the "it's raining, it's pouring" song, and the "itsy bitsy spider" also, "old McDonald had a farm." And sometimes he just says something and it blows me away, it's like where did he learn that from?? He's still my wonderful little man and even though he's got some moments where he's difficult, I couldn't ask for a better behaved child.

Ella is two months tomorrow, and smiling away, she can be a pretty big ham and if she's awake will smile at anyone who talks to her... the older she gets the prettier she is too, she has her Daddy's dark eyelashes, and I think her eyes will be green even though they are blue right now. She's also cooing all the time and talking, in fact I call her my Complainy Janie because she isn't shy about letting us know when she's mad... She kicks her legs around and looks at everything too, she loves her mobile and the fan and anything that moves in front of her she will lock on to. She even watches the TV sometimes, lol. We have a dr's appointment on Thursday, and I can't wait to see how big she is going to be! She's much chunkier than Sam was!

Life is pretty amazing right now, I love my kids, and AJ is such an amazing husband and father, he's been so great with me and the kids. He even let me get a new car so it's easier to get the kids in and out of, even though he was supposed to get a new car next. He always does everything he can to make me and the kids happy... I couldn't ask for a better husband. There are so many great things about him I could sing his praises all day and night. All in all I have a very blessed life and thank God for it every day.

Sadness...

One of the surprising things about being a Mother is the way things in the world affect you. It completely changes your way of thinking about things. Recently Colorado has been the victim of so many tragedies, a wildfire that burned down almost 350 homes and killed two people, leaving my beautiful city covered in ash and a mountainside left with nothing but the black stumps of what were once trees, and a shooting that left 71 people either killed or wounded...

A part of me wants to hide away in my house with my babies so that I can always make sure they are safe. But I know that's not possible or healthy and I know that I won't always be there to protect them. Now that I have children of my own tragedies like these hit me much harder then before. I think about all those people who were there that day, I think about their Mother's and what they are feeling right now... I think about their children and how they are affected... I think about how those people who survived are going to be functioning... It is much easier to put myself in their shoes and feel their sadness, their anger, their fear.

I know that I won't always be there to protect my children... but while I am able I will always do whatever I can to protect them, while making sure they can also experience the world. It's a fine line parent's have to walk... to make sure they are safe but also not holding them back from growing. Being a parent is just not easy sometimes. .

My thoughts, prayers, and love go out to all who have been affected by these recent tragedies...

Having so much fun!

Life moves way way too fast! Little miss is already 6 1/2 weeks old, Sam is almost 2...It amazes me how fast it goes. I'm going to have to go back to work sometime in the next few weeks. :-( I wish that life were different and I could sit at home and cuddle my babies all day. I love being home with them, I have found time to be crafty and actually make my bed every day, lol. Don't get me wrong, it's not always easy, especially when I have two crying kids to deal with, but in the end it's all worth it... hopefully someday I can stay home with the kids and work part time instead. In the mean time I will make the best of the time I have. 

Sam has grown so much in the last year, and he's so wonderful. He's such a sweet little boy, he hugs me constantly and has started saying: "I love you" it melts my heart so much when he does that. I love it, and he's so smart... and I don't say that just cause I'm his mommy, he really has a great vocabulary and talks SO much, I can't believe half the stuff he says, and of course he has to repeat everything that I say as well (especially the things I wish he wouldn't pick up on.) My favorite is when he says: "Oh coconuts" or: "Oh toodles!" (Obviously we watch a lot of Disney Junior.) He also says: "that's disgusting," lol.

Ella is getting so big now,  I look at her and just think, are you really only 6 weeks old? She's so sweet and smiles so big for us... her first real smile was for Sam, which is awesome. I just know they are going to love each other so much. Sam already hugs and cuddles her any chance he gets. He loves to help me with her too. 

I really can't remember what life was like without them. I was happy, obviously, and had a lot more free time, but it just seems so dull in comparison when I think back, like there wasn't nearly as much sunshine in the world. Being a Mom is the best thing I've ever done with my life, these two beautiful kids are my greatest accomplishments, and I can't wait to see what they do in their lives...

3 weeks old

Ella is 3 weeks old as of Friday, I can't believe that much time has gone by already! It's kind of a surreal feeling, it feels like just yesterday that I was giant and pregnant and then going through labor... but at the same time, it feels like Ella has always been in our lives. That's the thing about having kids, once they are born you can barely remember life without them.

Things have been going pretty smoothly since she was born. Thankfully my recovery has been minimal, in fact I have felt 100% since a few days after she was born. This has been amazing compared to Sam's birth where it was a few weeks before I was back to feeling semi-decent. It's made things very easy on me when it comes to Sam.

Ella so far is doing great, she eats very well and breastfeeding is actually working out pretty well for us. Granted I don't breastfeed all the time, but that was more my choice then anything since she will have to be weaned in a few weeks when I go back to work and it is nice sometimes to be able to hand her off to someone else to feed. She's pretty great and looks at everything and is really good at focusing on faces and she lifts her head really well for a 3 week old. I am actually thinking about moving her into her own room already. We were going to wait till she was older, but I'm thinking it will be easier with her in her own room. Sam hasn't woken up ever due to her crying (even when we're in her room, since I take her in there in the middle of the night sometimes so we don't wake AJ,) and I'm thinking that it will be easier on me if she's in her own room. It won't be as tempting to just put her in bed with us. As easy as it is just to put her in the bed with us, it makes me so nervous and I can't sleep properly. I wake up extremely stiff and usually with a headache. I moved Sam to his room at 5 weeks old, so that may be when we make the move. Surprisingly I'm enjoying all the little girl stuff and putting her in cute outfits with bows and everything. It's been pretty fun so far, just as fun as it is to dress Sam in his cute little outfits. 

Sam has been great with her so far. He calls her: "my baby" when we talk about her and is constantly loving on her and hugging her. I love watching him with her and I'm so very happy that all my anxiety was for nothing. He hasn't been jealous or acting out or anything like that, which is what I was worried about originally. He's been pretty great actually besides the occasional tantrum, but that's just his 2 year old self, lol.

I'm really not looking forward to going back to work in the next little while, but I know that I have to. I'll just miss my babies. I'm worried about the shift bid coming up too and concerned I'll have to work a night shift. AJ and I have talked about it and agreed that we will do what we have to to make it work. We'll just have to see what happens.

Other than that, life has been amazing, I love my little girl and my big boy.

Introducing Miss Gabriella Jane

So I promised my birth story and this is the first chance I've really had to get to it. Things have been a little hectic around here these first few days, but anyway, here goes:

Thursday May 31st, I had my 39 week Dr's appointment, Dr. Skiles checked me and said I was 50% effaced and almost 3 centimeters dilated. So she said she could strip my membranes which will help move things along... (Stripping membranes is basically separating the baby/amniotic sac from the cervix.) I left the appointment with cramps and some minor contractions which stopped when I got home. We had a regular night, then went to bed, I woke up at 4 that morning having some minor contractions, but basically the same type of contractions I had been having pretty much every day for the last week. I thought about going into work, but decided against it since those contractions are slightly painful and very annoying and hard to breathe through.

I told AJ at about 7:30 that I was having regular contractions that were increasing in frequency and a little painful but they weren't too bad and he decided to stay home. Then we called up AJ's Mom and she brought the girls we all went to the mall and walked for about 2 hours. During the 2 hours, I could feel the contractions but they weren't really painful yet. AJ told me though that they helped because he could visibly see that I had dropped about 4 inches from when we started. After that we went home and I sat on the couch Buddha style to make sure Ella stayed down low. My contractions seemed to go away at first. But then they finally came back, a little stronger but still not too painful and they weren't very regular... then at about 4:00 I was just getting fed up and frustrated, so I told AJ that we would be going to the hospital in an hour whether things had changed or not. As soon as I said that my contractions evened out and started coming in five minute intervals, a little painful but nothing I couldn't function through. On the drive there though we were almost to the hospital when I felt the contractions really take off and change.

We walked into the birthing unit and got checked in and the nurse checked me, she said I was 3 1/2 cm dilated and that she was pretty sure they would be keeping me, but they usually won't admit til 4 cm, so they had me go walking. I hated them at that point because then I remember what true labor actually feels like, I can't believe I forgot that pain, but it is horrible. As soon as we started walking my contractions got 2 minutes apart... We walked for about 25 minutes, and that was all I could take. We went back to the room and waited for what felt like forever for the nurse to come back at check me... at 7 they finally checked me and I was 4 1/2 cm dilated. So they started the admit process. Which involves even MORE waiting. I was pretty grumpy by this point I was in so much pain. I'm sure they didn't appreciate me cussing up a storm there... I finally found a way to cope with it so I wouldn't have to cuss, but if they had taken any longer they would've heard it from me. Finally we got the IV in and they wheeled me to the delivery room. Once there the Anesthesiologist got me started on my epidural within like 5 minutes... While he was putting it in, I wanted to punch him for taking so damn long, but by the time it took effect I could have kissed him... (really I don't know how women go through natural labor... I really, really don't.)

After getting my epidural the Dr came in and checked me and said I was at 7 cm, but Ella needed to come down some more. So she broke my water and the fluid was clear (yay!) and then said to let them know when I started feeling pressure. This was at probably 8:00 pm. We sat around talking for a while, and I started feeling some pressure, but it wasn't too bad yet, so I didn't say anything. I felt about 100 times better after the epidural just was itching like crazy from the pain meds. At about 9:00 I told the nurse that I was feeling a lot of pressure and so they checked and said I was almost to 10 but they would check again in about 15 minutes. At 9:30 the Dr came in and I told her there was a TON of pressure and I felt like my catheter was coming out. So she checked and said we are ready to push! They broke down the bed in about 5 minutes and the nursery was there, then they wanted me to start pushing, I felt a contraction and pushed and that one push was really all it took, Ella's head came out pretty much immediately and then I had another half push and the rest of her was out too. She was born in about 30 seconds of pushing. They laid her on my tummy and I was able to say hi and love on her for a minute then they took her to the nursery bed and cleaned her and me up. Ella was 8lbs even and 20 inches long, her head was 13 1/2 inches around.

It was so different from last time, I didn't feel tired (even though I had been awake since 4 am) I was awake and happy and totally energized. I only had a minor tear that they stitched up but nothing like last time. I also got to meet my little lady right away and snuggle with her immediately and after she was born we all got to love on her for a while before AJ was able to take her to the nursery and give her the first bath and do all the fun daddy things. I don't look like I was hit by a train either like with Sam and I was able to get up and get moving as soon as my epidural wore off, I didn't feel bad at all. It was pretty great actually.


All in all this was a much better experience compared to when I had Sam, but then Sam paved the way for his little sister so if it weren't for him I'm sure it wouldn't have been this easy with her.

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Now that we are home things are going okay. She got a little jaundiced and is on photo therapy right now, hopefully today is the last day of this. She is already a better sleeper then Sam ever was and sleeps at night for 4-5 hour stretches at a time. I'm hoping she will continue this pattern. We are still working on Breastfeeding, but I don't think I'm going to do it for very long, only because I'll be going back to work in two months. The best part about it is that I don't have the postpartum anxiety like I did when I had Sam. Of course I am still very watchful of her but with Sam I was very anxious all the time because of the oxygen and all that, not to mention I had a long recovery myself. I find I am enjoying myself about 100 times more with her and I am much more relaxed about everything.  Sam isn't sure what to think about his sister and ignores her about 90% of the time. Sometimes he will interact with her, but thankfully he is not jealous or crazy or throwing fits or anything (at least not more than a normal 2 year old.) We are just settling in now and enjoying ourselves!

Prodromal Labor

So, I've spent most of the morning googling trying to figure out what is going on with me and why my labor keeps stalling out. From what I've gathered, I'm experiencing something called Prodromal labor, which is not the same thing as Braxton Hicks contractions, nor is it considered false labor. Everything I've seen says that prodromal labor is a very early stage of labor. Contractions are typically 5-10 minutes apart and may or may not hurt. (If they do hurt they don't get progressively stronger like actual labor contractions.) That it can last for hours, or even days before active labor. Good news is that there is usually some sort of progression, but at a slower pace than actual labor. All the sites I went to said that this kind of labor can be caused by baby's position in the pelvis, and that a lot of the time it is the body's way of trying to re-position the baby better in the pelvis for actual labor. (So like how Sam was sunny side up and I had terrible back labor, trying to move the baby to a different position to avoid that... I'm kind of thinking she might be in a similar position Sam was in because when I've had contractions they have hurt in my back like they did with Sam.) Unfortunately this kind of labor also exhausts the mother and the uterus so that when actual labor comes around it makes it a more difficult experience....

I did find some tips on how to deal with it, so I have a plan in place for tonight so I can get some sleep and go to work in the morning. Hopefully it will help these contractions either stay away or I'll be relaxed enough that true labor will happen. They say that the key is to not focus on the contractions... which I'll admit I have focused way too much on them the last few nights hoping that I was actually in labor. It's funny cause I didn't time Sam's contractions at all, I just went to the hospital. So I'm thinking maybe part of it is that I'm obsessing about it. Another thing they suggested is to take a sleep aid, like Tylenol PM, if it's true labor I won't be able to sleep through it even with Tylenol PM, if it's not then I should be able to sleep through them. And right now, getting a good nights sleep is like the top on my list of necessities. So here's hoping I can actually sleep tonight!

38 weeks...

How far along?: 38 Weeks 
How big is baby?: 19.75 Inches, 6.8 lbs (though it is my feeling that she is more like 20+ inches and 8+ lbs right now... I say this because her movements actually hurt now. And I can feel her feet up in my ribs at the same time I feel her head in my crotch... not very comfortable.) 
Food cravings?: not really craving any food right now. 
What I'm looking forward to: Being done being pregnant, getting to meet this little girl finally. 
Milestone: Not really much milestones happening anymore. She's all developed and ready to come out. 
Sleep?: Ha ha ha, what sleep? 
Best moment this week?: Hearing at my Dr's appointment that I am 2 cm dilated already. 
Feelings this week?: Frustration like I have never felt before. I look back at my blog entries with Sam and how frustrated I was about the whole thing, but that is NOTHING compared to this time. I thank God that I'm done having babies. Don't get me wrong, I love the whole pregnancy experience, except for the second and last months. With Sam I had to deal with some braxton hicks contractions and not dilating until the last minute. Contractions were a good 15 minutes apart though with no pain. With this little girl, I know I am dilated to 2 already, and for the last 3 nights I have been up anywhere from 2-5 hours with consistent contractions happening every 3-5 minutes and painful enough that I can't sleep through them. I really thought last night was it, since they were getting progressively closer together... but then it's like it bottomed out at 3 minutes in between and stuck there with no change for an hour until 5 when it decided it was time to stop. You know I wouldn't mind being pregnant for the next 2 weeks until my due date, but this is so frustrating I just can't handle it. I had a mini breakdown this morning when they stopped again. It's very emotionally draining to sit there thinking that this might be time, only for it NOT to be time. (At 5 am after I had been up since 1 am.) The most frustrating thing about this, is there's really nothing I can do. We've tried all the wives tales about what's supposed to induce labor from home, hasn't worked really. The Dr stripped my membranes, that didn't do anything. (OR I don't know, maybe that is the cause of all this false labor crap.) I just need one of two things to happen here: One: my obvious preference would be to go into labor officially and have Ella like today... or Two: This false labor needs to stop so I can continue working until she is born and if that means I have to be pregnant for another 2 weeks, whatever, I would much rather stay pregnant then have to deal with these nightly incursions into my sleep.